


neon ballroom

by orphan_account



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Eating Disorders, M/M, Mental Health Issues, im so sorry hyuck, this just word vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-13 12:48:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18469300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: He just got too obsessed over it.





	neon ballroom

**Author's Note:**

> guys im so sorry this is what happens when i get anxious over food and haven't slept properly in a week. 
> 
> i will edit this later
> 
> tw/ food, possible anorexia??, panic attacks

It’s been  _ weeks _ . He didn’t even realise time was passing by so fast. Hours turned days and days turned weeks. He didn’t even think about it. 

He went out and got drunk, didn’t drink water and ate his favourite foods. He didn’t feel bloated. Not even  _ once.  _

Time passed and he was happy and unbothered and now he felt dizzy and anxious.

_ “What the fuck is going on?”  _

He didn’t even remember how it felt. He was so happy having dinner and  _ he even bought his brother’s favourite food!  _ He was content. He wanted to share some fun times with his brother since they’ve been at each other's throats for months. 

But then he  _ felt  _ it. That greasy sensation of oil in his mouth. He stopped eating and  _ looked _ at his food. It was oily and greasy and  _ so so unhealthy. _ He started to feel dizzy and his hands couldn’t stop shaking but  _ he kept eating. _

“ _ Food is good for my body. Stop thinking, cmon stop it.” _

He made one bite.  _ And another _ . And he kept on eating until he finished his serving. That’s when he noticed his brother stopped eating a long time ago and didn’t even finish his food because it was  _ too much. _

“ _ What do you mean it was too much?” _

He felt sick. He stared at his hands while his mind was running wild.  _ Why did I do this.  _ He left the kitchen and went to his bedroom. Sat on his bed and tried to calm down. 

“ _ What if?”  _

What if he didn’t eat  _ that.  _ He started thinking and couldn’t help but to calculate. His mind was in his comfort zone. Numbers running through his mind and he smiled. 

That was a whole four hundred alorie dinner. Not to even think how much food he had over the day. He  _ couldn’t _ bring himself to think about that or he would lose it.

Four hundred calories. 

“ _ How much is that?’ _

He prayed it wasn’t too late because he needed to hit the gym before it was too late. There was no way he would throw up. No way. He wouldn’t do that.

He checked the time. Ten o’clock. That was perfect. He gathered all of his gym clothes and ran out of the house. He had one hour since the gym closed one hour before midnight. He probably could get around forty minutes to work out.

_ “Right?” _

The gym wasn’t too far from his house so he started running and got there in about five minutes. He stood right in front of the gym door and he  _ realised. _

It’s sunday. The gym’s closed. 

He sits on the floor. There’s no way this is happening to him. 

“ _ This is it.” _ He said.

He went back home, closed the front door and went to his bedroom. He looked at his mirror. And wow. He totally forgot it was there. He was used to have it all covered up. But it wasn’t anymore. He was supposed to be okay. To be  _ recovered.  _ He didn’t even plan this. He didn’t  _ know. _

Looking back at his dinner he realised. He had bread.  _ Bread. _

_ “Fucking bread. What was I thinking.” _

Bread didn’t have much calories. Bread was supposed to be healthy. You’re supposed to eat it with other foods and  _ enjoy it  _ because it’s so good.

Ever since his dietician, three years ago, told him he couldn't under any circumstance eat bread, he stopped. He didn't eat any. He was a good boy. And he started panicking. 

First it was over fucking bread. That was his favourite snack. He was hungry? He could have a slice of bread. 

But that changed. And it physically hurt him to watch people eat bread. It was such a weird obsession. But then it got worse. Meat went after it.

He couldn't stand the taste of red meat. He couldn’t  _ smell _ it. He even thought he could go vegetarian because he hated it  _ so much. _ He didn't eat meat nor did he eat any fish. But eggs, he was obsessed with them. 

Eggs are so  _ so _ low on calories. He could eat as many eggs as he wanted. His dietician told him so. And with that came that period of time in where he wouldn't stop eating omelettes and boiled eggs. He was  _ so happy _ he found a food he was content with and that it wasn’t high on calories. 

He lost a shit ton of weight and he was so happy. He was getting healthy! Losing weight! 

Everyone gave him compliments. Everyone seemed so happy he was losing weight. So he should too, shouldn't he?

With weight loss came more energy and he started to go out more and feel more confident.

But with it also came anxiety and nervousness and he just couldn't get out of the house most of the time. He just felt too bad. He felt sick. 

He couldn't stand looking at other people. He couldn't stand seeing his friends eat. He couldn't help but think they would get fat if they kept on eating. Fat like he used to be. And they would hate it like he did.

He didn't want that. So he stopped going out and got distracted learning numbers and drinking water. He was happy with himself. He didn't go out so he didn't feel bad. He was drunk on the compliments he was getting from his family and social media. 

But he just couldn't eat. And he started getting thinner, but not too much. And people didn't notice because he didn't go out. His friends didn't even know because he only saw them one time in about three months. 

He wasn't sure if he was starting to feel lonely because he was so used to be alone he just didn't  _ know. _

He got  _ obsessed  _ with the gym. He could feel himself getting healthier. He had so much energy and he could see how his muscles started to develop and he got a flat stomach but it wasn't enough. He got greedy. He wanted abs. So he did some research until he found out about intermittent fasting. 

It was a technique that required to fast for about sixteen hours and eat during the other period of time. It was supposed to burn unnecessary fats so he could get abs faster.

And it worked. That’s possibly the worst thing that happened to him. It worked and he was happy once again. He kept doing his sixteen hour fasts until it wasn't enough. Of course it wasn't enough. He fasted for sixteen hours for about a month. Why couldn't he fast for more hours straight so he burned even more fat?

Then he started fasting for twenty four hours. He ignored his mother’s words. He hid food underneath his bed. And he didn’t get caught. Not even once. 

He was laying in bed, looking at his phone and he couldn't help but to cry. He started crying because everything was a mess and he didn't feel good. He didn't feel loved because  _ how could he? _

_ “Who could love someone like me? _ ”

He was fat and had a weirdly shaped face. He didn't sleep and was just  _ so _ fucked up mentally. He couldn't live with himself. He couldn't look at food without feeling anxious and he kept thinking he was  _ just _ trying to be healthy.

Because everything was about that. He was only supposed to lose a few pounds. His dietician told him so. 

_ He just got too obsessed over it. _

 


End file.
